Startup Jargon Decoded: What Founders Actually Mean

Startup Jargon: Growth Metrics Edition

1. “We grew 300%.”
→ We had 2 users. Now we have 8.

2. “Our ARR is $100K.”
→ We made $8,500 last month by offering insane discounts.

Startup Jargon Around Technology and Customers

3. “We’ve built revolutionary AI technology.”
→ We’re calling the OpenAI API.

4. “We have glowing customer testimonials.”
→ We cherry-picked a few positive responses and ignored the rest.

What Founders Really Mean About Valuation and Team

5. “Our company is valued at $50M.”
→ The founder’s friend put in $100 for a 0.0002% stake.

6. “We have a world-class engineering team.”
→ We found a couple of CS students who help us out.

Decoding Startup Jargon: Unit Economics and Mentors

7. “Our unit economics are fantastic.”
→ We isolated one cohort out of all our traffic where marketing actually worked. It had 20 users.

8. “We’re mentored by the most experienced people in the industry.”
→ A few genuinely smart people grabbed coffee with us once.

Startup Culture and Partnerships — The Honest Translation

9. “We have a strong company culture.”
→ We occasionally order pizza and play ping-pong in the office.

10. “We have partnership agreements with several Fortune 500 companies.”
→ A couple of managers replied to our emails.